Friday, July 1, 2011

long time, no see

Hello all,
I can't believe it has been this long since we started trying.
I had done a few rounds of birth control pills and I would get my period on them but after when it was time for my uterus to stand up and represent all I could hear was crickets chirping in the background. 2 rounds of clomid earlier this year also did nothing for me.
If you can't tell,I'm not as optimistic as I used to be. Maybe it was because I was young, maybe it was because I thought I wouldn't be one of the millions of people that infertility effects every day. But here I am, dreading the next pregnancy announcement on facebook,all those god forsaken baby-bump profile pictures. At work : "Don't drink the water Alecia, Lara, Heidi, Brittany, Jen, Jessie and Emilie are all expecting within days of each other!". Hating the holidays because I see you once a year, but the first thing that flies out of your mouth is something totally not your business and really insensitive. Yea, you know the drill - "Still no news? You know the whole family is counting on you, Jill can't have kids so your IT".
Can I just say that I wish my husband wasn't an only child with ONE cousin.
I'll freely admit I've skipped family Christmas and reunions for his side of the family the last 2 years.
My family is a bit better,being much bigger and spread out. My sisters are... understanding. My mom is optimistic but with 8 grandkids already she could careless if I gave her grandkids.But it's important to me.
My dad passed when I was 15, my mom isn't in good health and I want her to hold my babies for the both of them. If there is a God and a heaven and my mom meets up with dad there I want her to be able to tell him of a baby with soft dark brown curly hair and olive skin and the brightest blue-green eyes that only his daughter and the man she loves could make.
It just hurts. The constant reminders and feelings of incompetence that I can't do what comes so easy to so many. And because it's so common it's everywhere. So everywhere hurts. 3 Christmases of trying. 1 year, next year it will be us. 2 years, maybe next year... 3 years, maybe ....
Who knows what's going to happen tomorrow, next week,month,year... I promise to check in more often. I think this post has been good for me and hopefully I jut made someone feel less alone.

Goodluck, Hayls